Trapper John:  "I have an Oklahoma."

M*A*S*H (1970)

1MC: (pronounced: ONE em cee) The ship's intercom system used for "passing the word." Words are usually preceded by a call on the boatswain's pipe, the different call depending on what word was to be passed (common pipe calls were: attention, all-hands, secure, sweepers, flight quarters, etc.

Aft: The shipboard direction of the stern of the ship. Aft is short for after.

After Steering: An auxiliary helm from which a ship can still be steered if control of the rudder from the bridge were somehow disrupted. Onboard USS Ponce, after steering was located in a tiny room at the very bottom of the stern of the ship (right above the ship’s gigantic propellers and rudder.)

Airedale: Navy-speak for any member of Air Department. Onboard USS Ponce airedales were in charge of flight quarters (and precious little else.)

Anchor: (1) Any heavy weight that assists in keeping ships or boats from drifting with the current when not under steam or sail. (2) The enlisted rank insiginia worn on the collars by chief petty officers.

Armed Forces Radio and Television Service (AFRTS): (pronounced: A-farts) a service that provides stateside radio and television to members of the armed forces serving overseas.

Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery (ASVAB): The standardized test all people have to take before entering the service. The minimum score for entrance used to be around twenty out of a maximum of ninety-nine (except for the Marines whose required minimum is considerably lower.) To explain the difficulty of this test, my score in high school was ninety-nine, and two years later (while stoned) ninety-six.

Bad Conduct Discharge (BCD): The polar opposite of an honorable discharge, a Bad Conduct Discharge. It is sometimes referred to as "the Big Chicken Dinner."

"Beer on the Pier": Whenever the ship docked in a foriegn port one of the first items of business was to set up a makeshift bar on the pier. Called "Beer on the Pier," beer sold for a dollar a can (all proceeds going to the ship’s Morale, Welfare, & Recreation fund.) The crude sign above our makeshift bar read: Buy me Beer Bar.

Bits: Deck fixtures onboard ships to which mooring lines are secured during docking procedures. Bits are cylindrical in shape and come in sets of two, spaced far enough apart to allow deck hands to alternately loop the mooring line around each.

Boatswain’s Mate (BM): (pronounced: BO-suns Mate) A nautical jack-of-all-trades that performs all the tasks stereotypically associated with sailors.  Boatswain’s Mates are direct assistants to the Boatswain, a ship’s professional seaman. Boatswain’s Mate tasks commonly include, but are not limited to anchoring, piloting a ship’s small boats, line-handling, seamanship, hull-preservation (painting), crane and boom operations, and the instruction of deckseamen in those tasks. Boatswain’s Mates are known as deck apes, in Navy vernacular. A generic nickname for any Boatswain’s Mate is ‘boats.’

Boatswain's Mate of the Watch (BMOW): the direct assistant to the Officer of the Deck during underway watches on the bridge. The Boatswain's Mate of the Watch is responsible for maintaining order on the bridge, passing all words over the 1MC, and ensuring proper watches are stood by the seamen manning the helm, lee helm, and lookouts. (In port, the BMOW is known as the Petty Officer of the Watch and any rating can stand it.)

Boatswain's Pipe: Along with the marlinespike, the Boatswain's Pipe is the item most closely associated with a Boatswain's Mate. In olden days, the various calls made with a Boatswain's Pipe each carried a distinct message. In today's Navy, the various calls precede "passing the word" over the 1MC. On some ships the use of the Boatswain's Pipe has been done away with entirely (which is a fucking shame.)

Boondockers: Navy-speak for (specifically) bootcamp issue boots and (generically) any steel-toed black boots.  

Boot: Navy-speak for a recruit fresh out of boot camp. (Also known as an FNG.)

Bow: The pointy end of a ship.

Bulkhead: Navy-speak for a wall.

Capping: When an enlisted person is meritoriously advanced in rank by the Commanding Officer, they are said to have been "capped."

Captain's Mast: (also known as "standing tall before the man") Navy-speak for commanding officer's non-judicial punishment. If a sailor violates one of the seemingly four million articles of the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ), nine times out of ten he ends up having to report to the captain to be "awarded" punishment. At sea, Captain's Mast is usually held the day prior to pulling into port in order to fuck up the maximum amount of the offender's in-port liberty time.

Chain Pipe: The pipe through which the anchor chain runs. On my ship, it ran from the forecastle to the chain locker.

Chief of Naval Operations (CNO): The Navy's senior flag officer, the CNO is responsible to the Secretary of the Navy for its management. Taking precedence over all other officers in the naval service, the CNO is the Navy representative on the Joint Chiefs of Staff (JCoS).

Chief Petty Officer: The enlisted rank of E-7 in the Navy. Chiefs, as well as senior chiefs (E-8) and master chiefs (E-9), were considered in a class by themselves. Invariably lifers, chiefs were the most senior enlisted members at any command, sometimes serving well past the twenty-year mark where most sailors retire. Unlike other enlisted sailors, they wore khaki uniforms like officers and not dungarees. Also like officers, chiefs enjoyed special priviledges all over the ship, such as  head-of-any-line priviledge, their own mess and berthing spaces (commonly called the goat-locker), special on-base parking, etc. Of course, they were quick to point out that they were not, in fact, officers (which they looked down upon, even though even the most junior ensign out-ranked the most senior master chief.) It is said that cheif petty officers are "the backbone of the Navy," and this is true. It is the chiefs that train both new enlisted sailors and officers. The sad fact though, is that they know this and lord it accordingly.

Cinderella Liberty: A Navy euphamism for liberty ending at midnight of a given day. (Darryl Ponicsan wrote two novels that give a great depiction of life in the Navy: The Last Detail and Cinderella Liberty. They were later made into movies starring Jack Nicholson and James Caan, respectively.)

Colors: Navy-speak for the ceremonial raising and lowering of the national ensign (the flag). Colors occurs at 0800 in the morning and at sunset in the evening, when in port. (At sea, the ensign is flown from the mast and never taken down.) In port, the ensign is flown from a flag staff on the stern of the ship. The jack is flown from a flag staff on the bow.

Combat Infomation Central (CIC): A small, cold, perpertually darkened space just aft of the bridge where the Operations Specialists work. Referred to as the "nerve center" of the ship," CIC houses the ship's long- and short-range radar equipment, secondary communications hub, and chart lockers. All of a ship's tactical operations are based out of this space.

Command Master Chief (CMC): The senior enlisted member onboard a ship, almost always holding the rank of Master Chief Petty Officer (E-9.) Largely a public-relations billet, theoretically the CMC is the liason between the enlisted members and the Commanding Officer. One of the CMC's primary theoretic duties is to ensure the fair treatment of enlisted members.

Commanding Officer (CO): Also known as the old man, the captain of the ship. The CO is ultimately responsible for everything that happens to and aboard his/her ship. It has been said the captain of a sea-going vessle is the closest thing to a god on earth.

Conning Officer: The officer (or senior enlisted person) that serves as an assistant to the Officer of the Deck (OOD) on a bridge watch team. While the OOD is ultimately responsible for the ship—from stem to stern—on his watch, the conning officer is primarily responsible for carrying out the minute to minute guidance of the ship through the water (keeping track of radar contacts, supervising the quartermasters in their navigational duties, giving orders to the helm, etc.)

Cover: Navy-speak for any hat.

Coxswain: (Pronounced: COK-sun) Literally meaning "boat lover." a coxswain in the Navy is the driver of a small boat.

Crow: Navy-speak for the enlisted rank insignia worn on the left arm of a uniform by petty officers. The insignia consists of an eagle perched atop one to three chevrons. (Unlike a crow, a chief petty officer's anchors are worn on the collar.) One favorite, albeit illegal, Navy ritual is to "tack" on the crows of newly promoted petty officers. Supposedly the new crow will be prevented from coming off if every enlisted person of a higher rank takes turns hammering it into the arm of the wearer with their fists (although, it has been proven that this does not actually work in some cases.)  

Dropping the Hook: Navy-speak for anchoring.

Deck: (1) The name of the second-largest department on the ship (of which I was a member.) Comprising Deck Department were three divisions—boatswain's mates and seamen in First and Second Divisions; gunner's mates in Third. (2) Any horizontal surface onboard a ship that is large enough to walk on, although sailors usually refer to any floor-like surface as a deck.   

Deck-ape: Navy-speak for any member of Deck Department, though usually only in reference to seamen and boatswain's mates.  

Deck Log: The written record kept at all times by the Officer of the Deck (or those so designated by the Officer of the Deck), in port or at sea, in which every last single occurrence on a ship is recorded.

Duty: (1) When a ship is in port, a certain percent of the crew must remain onboard at all times to maintain readiness. To accommodate this need, a ship's crew is divided equally into a number of "duty sections" that take turns acting as the daily skeleton crew. When the ship's work is completed each day, everyone not on duty is allowed to go ashore on liberty. It is the duty section's responsibility to stand all in-port watches, handle any emergencies that may arise, and finish any work that might not have been completed during the day. (2) A mean little word that meant you couldn't leave the ship.

Extra Military Instruction (EMI): A Navy euphamism for working late. Usually coming in two-hour chunks, EMI was handed out liberally in Deck Department for any number of minor indiscretions.

Enginemen (EN): The enlisted rating that dealt with all deisel engines. On USS Ponce one of the enginemen's primary jobs was to gundeck the maintenance of our small boats.

Ensign: (pronounced EN-suhn) Navy-speak for (1) our national flag (the stars and stripes), or generically any national flag, or (2) the lowest rank of officer. Ensigns are designated by the collar device of a single gold bar (a butter-bar). It is common nautical knowledge that an Ensign is the most useless rank of person on the ship (be they officer or enlisted.)

Fathom: A nautical measure approximating six feet.  

Field Day: Navy-speak for the intense cleaning of a space. A field day differs from sweepers primarily only in intensity.

Fire-watch: One of the many shipboard watches a sailor may be called upon to stand. Armed with a fire-extinguisher, it is a fire-watch's responsibility to ensure that nothing catches fire when welding is being done somewhere on the ship. It must be noted that Navy fire-watches differ from Marine fire-watches, the responsibility of the latter being to stay awake at night to guard those who are asleep (which makes me wonder if sleeping Marines have a tendency to spontaneously combust.)  

First Lieutenant: The officer in charge of Deck Department. Usually a full lieutenant (O-3) or higher in rank, the "First Louie" was commonly a mustangofficer.

Flight Quarters: A shipboard condition under which helos and VTOL (Vertical Take-Off & Landing) airplanes take off and land on the flight deck. (Also see airedale.)

FNG: A military acronym for a boot (a recruit fresh out of boot camp.) FNG stands for Fucking New Guy.  

Forecastle: (pronounced: FOHK-sul) The forecastle of a ship is the forward-most weatherdeck, usually located just behind the bow. The forecastle is one of the places where line-handling procedures during docking are performed, as well as where most of the anchoring procedures occur. During times of heavy fog or heightened security, the forecastle is where extra lookouts and security watches are posted, respectively. In the days of sail, the forecastle was usually delineated as the weatherdeck just forward of the foremast (the forward-most mast on a ship with at least two masts.) It was used to stow ship provisions and trading goods, as well as berthing for deck hands (a lifestyle detailed by Richard Henry Dana in his 1840 memoir Two Years before the Mast.)

Forward: (pronounced: FOR’d) The shipboard direction of the bow of the ship.  

FTN: (pronounced Foxtrot Tango November) Navy-speak for Fuck The Navy. 

"Fuckin'-uh...": An all-purpose Navy expression used (1) to preface the name of whatever a sailor cannot think of, or (2) as a general introduction for the statement to follow.

Gedunk: (pronounced GHEE-dunk) (1) Navy-speak for candy. (2) Navy-speak for the National Defense Service Medal awarded to anyone who serves in the military any time even remotely close to a war. [Note: I was awarded mine for Desert Storm even though I didn't join the Navy until the fall of 1993.]

General Quarters (GQ): The highest state of emergency onboard a ship. Onboard USS Ponce, the  word passed over the 1MC was: "“General Quarters! General Quarters! All hands man your battle stations! Set Material Condition Zebra throughout the ship and make reports to the bridge. General Quarters!” When General Quarters was sounded it meant either (1) an engine room was on fire, or (2) the ship was under attack.

Goat-locker: Navy-speak for the chief's mess. The goat locker is where all enlisted personel of the rank of E-7 or higher ate, slept, and hung-out. Admittance to the goat-locker is strictly prohibited to those of lower rank (or, ironically enough, to officers) unless by express invitation or order. Strange and secretive things happen in the goat-locker—some possibly quite illegal—that would only leak to the crew via scuttlebutt.  

Grinder: Navy-speak for a large paved area intended for use in drilling (marching.) On most bases they doubled as parking lots.

Gun-deck: Navy-speak for performing a given task in a half-assed manner, if at all. Gundecking any sort of maintenance (PMS) is a mastable offense.

Gunner's Mate: The enlisted rating that deals with all ship-board guns and weapons. While I was in the Navy, there were two types of Gunner's Mates: GMGs (Gunner's Mate Guns) and GMMs (Gunner's Mate Missiles.) I think they have been merged into one rate since then. On our ship, since we had no really big guns, a gunner's mate's job was mainly to look after the ammunition (both Marine and Navy) stored in the lower holds of the ship.  

Gunwale: (pronounced: gunnel) The upper edge of a vessel's or boat's side which finishes the upper works of the hull.]

Hawse-pipe: Another pipe through which the anchor chain runs, only this time from the forecastleto the outside hull of the ship where the anchor is located..

Head: Navy-speak for a restroom. (The little sailor's room.)

Heaving Line: A heaving line is a length of fifty or sixty feet of sash chord (clothesline) with an orange plastic ball the size of a softball attached to one end. It is used in mooring operations to get the much heavier mooring lines down to the pier. The loose end of the heaving line is tied around the eye of a mooring line and the orange ball is tossed down to the pier. Line-handlers on the pier use the heaving line then to pull the mooring lines down to the pier. Practice is imperative to become proficient with the heaving line, as it is easy to get that much line tangled. Once one became proficient with it, however, it was common practice for those heaving the lines from a ship to aim at anyone wearing khakis on the pier or, in the colder months, at windshields of cars (if cold enough, windshields will shatter.)

Helm: Equipped with both gyro and magnetic compasses, the helm is a ship's steering wheel. The helmsman is usually a deck seaman except during restricted maneuvering excercises during which a master helmsman (usually a quartermaster) is required.

Helo: (pronounced HEE-lo) Navy-speak for a helicopter.

Hospital Corpsman (HM): The enlisted rating responsible for assisting the ship's doctor in keeping the crew healthy. Because corpsmen also act as field medics for the Marines, they had the highest mortality rate of any enlisted rating during the Vietnam War. [NOTE: In a war movie, you can tell whether a soldier is in the Army or the Marines by which he screams when injured: Medic or Corpsman.]

Jack: The flag flown from the bow when in port. The jack consists of only the blue field of stars on the national ensign. Contrary to popular beleif, it is noticeable when the jack is flown upside down.

Ladder: Navy-speak for stairs.

Leading Petty Officer (LPO): The petty officer in charge of a division who reports only to the Chief or Division Officer. Ostensibly, the LPO is the most senior petty officer in a division, but this is not always the case as some people are morons regardless of rank.

Leave: An extended amount of time during which a sailor is not required to come to work. The civilian term for leave is vacation.

Lee Helm: Sometimes referred to as the bells, the lee helm is the console on the bridge that allows speed orders to be sent to the machinery rooms.

Leeward: (pronounced: LEW-erd) The shipboard direction opposite the one from which the wind is blowing. (For example, if the wind is blowing forward to aft, aft is the leeward direction.)

Liberty: Navy-speak for the times when a sailor is not required to be onboard the ship and can go ashore. Liberty is not to be confused with leave, however.  

Liberty Risk (Restriction): A qualification given errant sailors overseas based on their prior conduct ashore. There were three classifications of liberty risk onboard USS Ponce: Class Alpha (no liberty past 1800 hours,) Class Bravo (liberty under the supervision of a second-class petty officer or higher, also ending at 1800 hours,) and Class Charlie (no liberty whatsoever.)

Lifer: (or lifer-dog) The name given to a certain type of Naval careerist because of:  (1) their absurd gung-ho Navy fanaticism, or (2) their almost utter dependence on the structure the Navy offers their lives. Almost always a result of some sort of Navy poisoning, it is the rare individual that joins the Navy already a lifer.

"Make a Hole": Military-speak for "Get out of my way, dumbass!"

Marline: (pronounced: MAR-lun) A type of small-stuff distinguishable from the rest by being made of two strands of tarred hemp laid to the left. 

Marlinespike: A pointed iron or steel hand tool carried by deck hands (Boatswain’s Mates particularly.) Normally no shorter than 6 inches and no longer than 18, marline spikes are used in various shipboard tasks including separating the strands of line and prying open diverse shipboard containers. Marlinespikes are also used as screwdrivers, hammers, paint-chippers, eating utensils, or tea and coffee-stirrers.

Master Helmsman: Like the name implies, a master helmsman is a professional helmsman. Master helmsmen are the only personnel allowed to steer the ship during restricted maneuvering (i.e. close ship-to-ship maneuvering, anchoring, underway replenishment for fuel or stores, and entering/leaving port.)

Material Condition (X-Ray, Yoke, & Zebra): Depending on what the ship was doing at any given time, there were three basic Material Conditions for the ship to be in (X-Ray, Yoke, and Zebra.) These Material Conditions established the amount of water-tight integrity the ship was to have, which openings into any shipboard compartment were to stay fastened at a given time. Each opening (be it a water-tight door or hatch, a ventilation duct, etc.) was marked with a large X, Y, or Z to designate what kind of fitting it was. X-Ray was the lowest classification and allowed the freest movement throughout the ship. It was used primarily in port and under minimal security threat. The normal at-sea Material Condition was Yoke which, twice a day, each department supposedly checked all their spaces to ensure was set properly. Material Condition Zebra basically closed everything down that could be.

Mess-cranking: Navy-speak for the period of time each seaman (E-3 or below) spends working on the mess-decks assisting the cooks prepare meals for the crew.  

Mess-decks: Navy-speak for the standard place on a ship where the enlisted men eat. Officers eat in the Ward Room. Cheifs, Senior Chiefs, and Master Chiefs eat in the Chief's Mess (also known as the goat locker.)

Messenger of the Watch: The lowest-ranking member of any watch team. The messenger's job was to run errands for whoever was in charge, be it the Officer of the Deck, Boatswain's Mate of the Watch, etc.

Mess Management Specialists (MS): The enlisted rating whose primary duty is to cook the meals for the crew. Cooks.

Mid-watch: Running from midnight to four o'clock am, the midwatch is the watch that deprives sailors of the most sleep. It is sometimes refered to the balls-to-four watch.

Mustang: Navy-speak for an officer who began their naval career as an enlisted member and worked their way upward until earning a commission. Mustang officers are commonly among the hardest of the ship's hard-asses; on the other hand though, having once been enlisted, they tend to be more sympathetic to the plight of enlisted sailors than college officers.

Nonskid: A painted-on deck covering that decreases sailors’ chances of falling down on wet or otherwise slippery decks. Nonskid is applied with paint rollers and comprised of a mixture of fine gravel, hardener, and paint. (Also see slick-deck.)

Nooners: Navy-speak for a nap. 

Officer of the Deck (OOD): The officer or senior enlisted person acting on direct behalf of the captain to direct the ship’s operations. When in at sea, the OOD will be found on the bridge, in port, on the quarterdeck.

Old Man: See Commanding Officer (CO).

Operations Specialist (OS): The enlisted rating whose main job is to detect and track all ship, plane, or helo movement in our vicinity via various electronic means.  

Overhead: Navy-speak for the ceiling. 

Pier Sentry: One of the many in-port watches sailors are required to stand. A ship's first line of defense when in port, the major function of a pier sentry is to check the ID cards of anyone attempting to gain access to the pier their ship is docked on. Sometimes a pier sentry is armed with a hand gun or a night stick, but more commonly they are only issued nifty white belts that make them (A) look important and (B) easier targets.

Personnelmen (PN): The enlisted rating whose primary duty it is to take care of the military records of enlisted sailors (opposed to Yeomen (YN) who take care of officer records.)

Physical Readiness Test (PRT): Physical Readiness Tests were how the Navy determined who was fit for duty and who was out of standards. PRTs were comprised of four parts: the recording of our weight and measurements and then three physical activities. The usual activites were push-ups, sit-ups, and a timed 1 1/2 mile run, although a timed mile-and-half swim could be substituted for the run upon request. If a sailor did not meet certain standards based on height, sex, and age during a PRT sanctions were imposed. These sanctions included poor marks on evaluations, being remanded to the manditory PT, and eventually discharge from the service.

Plan of the Day (POD): Each naval command prints a POD daily as a reference for crew members to have a general idea of what is to take place that day. Included in the POD is a schedule of events, general announcements, a summary of mishaps, the times for morning and evening colors, the prescribed uniform of the day, etc.

Planned Maintenance System (PMS): A systematic plan of scheduled maintenance that every department performs on its equipment. Some PMS checks are performed daily, whereas others only once every eighteen to twenty-four months. As the acronym implies, PMS sucks.

Port: Facing the bow on a ship, the port—or larboard—side is the left-hand side. The opposite direction is the starboard side

P-way: Navy-speak for any of the numerous hall-like compartments onboard a ship. P-way is short for passage-way.

Quarterdeck: A generic nautical term for the place where personnel traditionally embark or disembark a ship in port. (My ship's quarterdeck was usually located on the forward part of the flight deck or a cargo door located on whichever side of the ship faced the pier.) In the days of sail, though, some ships had an actual deck permanently known as the quarterdeck, but I couldn't tell you if it was where the crew embarked or disemarked.