Kerry (pronounced curry) and Mandi (pronounced mandy) Bates—although both Mandi and Kerry are Morehead State graduates, I didn't meet them until coming to the University of Kentucky where Mandi was working toward her PhD in political science. Mandi has recently taken a teaching position in Corpus Christi, TX and Kerry plans to change his name to Raoul and serve as her cabana boy.
Boss—(a Boston Terrier) a fierce throwback to the early savage packs of dogs that prowled the untamed wilderness that is now known as Massachusettes. I got custody of Boss during the divorce because he always loved me more (which isn't really saying a lot, as he also loves coleslaw, fried green tomatoes, and pork rinds more than  her.)
Jason Damron—an ICU nurse at Central Baptist Hospital (one floor beneath the one Dad works on) I met Jason and his ex-wife Tami while in the Honors Program at Morehead State University. Jason now lives across the street from Tami in an apartment with his four gigantic malvolent cats: Mufasa, Fester, Raven, & Memnoch. We suspect that eat him after he dies. Hell, they might eat him anyway (especially if he continues to sporadically rub them with balogna.)
Todd H.—a former nightshift co-worker at the chemical dependency treatment center, Tami introduced me to Todd right after we moved to Lexington. A year younger than my brother, Todd was educated at Centre College, Yale Divinity School, and now Eastern Kentucky University.
Mescha & Boo—two of the best friends I have made since moving to Lexington, Mescha & Boo have been together for over 18 years. On a nightly basis they can be found at the leather bar Crossings. It is said that without Mescha and Boo at that end of the bar, it would just float up into the air.
Janet Osborne—Tami's former sister-in-law just completed the process of divorcing Tami's brother (who she describes as—and all concerned agree—the biggest gloryhole whore on the planet.) Janet is in the process of discovering herself "after 15 years of having no identity." Like Jason, she is a graduate of Morehead State University's nursing program.
Kate Osman—the newest member of Tami's Pussy Posse, Kate just passed her nursing boards and weilds a mean strap-on. Tami (in her official capacity as Cooch Whisperer) assures me that Kate is very excited and honored to have recently gained membership in the Sapphic League. Says Tami, "she is just as happy as a clam (no pun intended) and is coming out to folks right and left."
Heather Jo Sheppard—(the Babganoosh) Tami's ex-girlfriend and student of anthropology at Eastern Kentucky State University. Heather Jo is (arguably) a vegetarian, likes truckers and the color pink.
Matt Waitkus—self-described as Todd's love slave, Matt is project manager of a HIV prevention research project at the University of Kentucky. He spends his free time watching The Golden Girls and obsessively buffing his car with a cloth diaper.


A tightly-wrapped veterinary nurse raised by a colony of carnies, The Succubus is my bipolar ex-wife. Clingy and needy, she slowly and methodically sucks the joy out of people's lives (like she carries a fucking straw.) After leaving me an empty emotional husk (and ruining my credit) she has now attached herself to a gristly, mean, old white-trash girl from some Eastern Kentucky holler (whom I will call Sparkly.) Sadly, it appears The Succubus is the more well-adjusted of the two.

As The Succubus and I went through our divorce, I had hoped that things would go smoothly and we would be able to remain friends but, alas, she'd rather ride that bipolarcycle built for two. It is interesting to note that when she and I were together she was adamantly anti-child, anti-pregnancy, anti-childbirth to the point of mania. I used to tease her and call her a baby-stomper. These days, she and Sparkly are joyfully awaiting a baby (or so she brags.) I just lack the words. God, I feel sorry for that child.

#07—Chris—Driver #77 Adel's sneaky little shadow. Chris is Shitbird Lite to Adel's Shitbird Genuine Draft.
#007—Chicken Man—(Giles) Double Oh Seven, Giles Bond. Liscence to Drive. Giles (from Gambia) is currently a driver-manager at White Cab, and is widely considered as useless as tits on a boar in that capacity. When we were at Jihad Taxi together he had the nickname "Chicken Man." (I don't know why and don't think I want to.)
#08—Radio Dave—another crackhead bottom feeder, Radio Dave another in the mold of #86 Angel and #43 Lance. We call him Radio Dave (sometimes just Radio) because of his presence on the dispatch radio. Like #66 Neon Leon, he talks to hear the sound of his own voice and is given to inappropriate on-air remarks.
#09—"New York" Tom—a volatile cabbie from New York (hence the name). Tom worked for Yellow Cab when I first met him. Then he was one of two cabs over at Black Cab. Now he gypsies from his Escalade.
#10—Sharon—a grandma (of 15? 25? 35? children) in her mid-50s, Sharon looks like Cissy Spacek's skeleton. Kevin calls her "Granny Ten."
#11—Dallas—(Dizallas, Puff Whitey, Forth Worth, The Big D) Genial and likeable but with some serious issues, Dallas is an aspiring hip-hop producer. Until recently he was one of White Cab's driver-managers. Dallas is usually armed, wearing his gat turned backwards on his right hip so he can draw and fire into the back-sahizzy if need be. After stints at both White Cab and Jihad Taxi, he has settled down at Yellow Cab.
#11—"Fat" Tom—The angry, Hawaiian-shirted 450 lb. cab driver at Jihad Taxi. Fat Tom is yet another of the reprobates that White Cab fired now on Jihad's roster.
#11—Willie—Originally from Zaire, Willie is just old enough to remember the Rumble in the Jungle in Kinshasa as a child. Ali rope-a-doped Foreman for seven rounds before dropping him in the 8th to reclaim his title. Easily one of the top ten moments in 20th Century sports… what a memory to have as a kid, huh? Willie calls most other African drivers bushmen. (Willie used to be Driver #38, but adopted #11 to match his cab number once Dallas left the company.)
#12—Kevin—Driver #12 for White Cab, Kevin is yet another refugee of Jihad Taxi. More as a pre-occupation than an occupation because of his bum ticker, Kevin only drives a cab part-time. (He calls it part-time, but we all know it's really full time. It's got its hooks in him like it does the rest of us.) Like myself, Wale, and Rick, Kevin is also degreed (masters in economics.)
#13—Wale (pronounced wally)—Owner of White Cab, Wale was a former owner of Jihad Taxi until a falling out with Charles over the use of certain funds (Wale wanted to pay insurance and do maintenance on the cabs, Charles wanted to gamble.) This led to a driver's foot getting run over, Wale's departure with half their fleet of cabs, and the subsequent beginning of White Cab. Originally from Nigeria, Wale's name is actually two 30-something digit names, the last four letters of the second name being "wale." When on the road himself, Wale is Driver #13. While Wale can be a little shady at times, I have to say that he has always been on the level with me and that when it matters most Wale sticks by his drivers (his good ones anyway.)
#15—"Wrong Way Val" (Valerie)—formerly Driver #15 of White Cab and Dallas' baby-mama. She is indeed old enough to vote. A few months back she gave birth to another child right in the cab and kept driving (much like a Vietnamese woman and her rice paddy.) She has since moved on to another occupation.
#19—Bryan—beware the black van!
#20—Rick—unlike many drivers Rick has no nickname, he's just Rick. A Vietnam War vet, for a time he dated Jeannetta. Rick recently joined our ranks after coming over from Black Cab, which means the family is all together again. Last summer we—Rick, Jeannetta, Speedy Dave, Willie, Kevin, and myself—all left Jihad Taxi. Everyone but Rick came to the white-and-greener pastures of White Cab; Rick went Black. I guess this just proves that sometimes you do come back after going black.
#21—Don—Don used to be driver #21. He doesn’t drive for us any more. He hasn’t driven a cab since his accident. A police car ran a red light at Maxwell and Lime and T-boned his cab. It shouldn't have been much of a problem, but Don had had a few drinks and refused a breathalyzer test. The resultant splash on the three local news channels was the best advertisement we’d had in months. The phone rang off the hook that morning and it was a great day all the way around for the other drivers. We fed like fat buzzards all day on the carcass of Don’s cab career. For a while afterwards he was our clutch cruise time dispatcher. Then they found him passed out drunk behind the microphone one night. He fired now. (He is also going to be the father of Jeannetta's first grandchild.)
#23—"Big Daddy" Wayne—White Cab's general manager, Wayne recently returned to us from a short institutional vacation. He puts in unmercifully long hours and takes a lot of pressure off of Wale in the day-to-day operations of the company. He drives the big pimped-out forrest green SUV taxi with spinners. Much of his personal biz comes from Pure Gold where he used to bounce.
#24—Dennis—Dennis is our version of Tony Banta (Tony Danza) on Taxi: our amiable amateur boxer. Dubbed "The Nigerian Assassin," Dennis' record is now 3-0 after having his first few bouts repeatedly cancelled. When he was training for one of those, Dallas, Phil, and Don acted as his sparring partners. Dennis is carved out of rock so he beat the ever-loving hell out of them. Dallas lasted the longest, a full three rounds. Don actually came out for round three but couldn’t get his arms to work. Just a little fellow, I don’t know if Phil even made it a round.
#25—Phil—Phil is a brother from the east side and is an on-again, off-again driver-manager for White Cab. Phil is one of the company's longest tenured drivers, but tends to take sabbaticals (institutional or otherwise.) Phil is friendly, works hard, and treats his passengers with respect and fairness. I have no problem putting my passengers in his car. Phil is good people.
#27—Manna—no Gift from God, Manna is an airport bottom feeder.
#28—Tonya Star—Formerly of Jihad Taxi, Tonya is the driver who performed my training when I first started driving a cab. As butch as a wrench, Tonya belongs to the Tami school of lesbian: The Flannel-Wearing, Boot-Sporting, Pop-You-in-the-Mouth, Drywalling School of Lesbimerica. She recently turned in her cab to have yet another knee surgery. She has since moved to Mount Sterling with her girlfriend and taken a "real" job.
#28—Abdul—Abdul’s last name is Shelosh, which if you are a Lexingtonian tells you everything you need to know about Abdul. The Sheloshes run all the Marathon gas stations and most of the check cashing outlets in town; they are as close as Lexington comes to organized crime. Abdul billed himself as the black sheep of the Shelosh family when he came to work for us, which I took to mean that he was the lone honest one in the bunch. That turned out not to be the case, though. The reason he’s the black sheep is that instead of being criminally insane, he is just plain old regular insane. Wale let him go after he showed up at the base late one night and dropped his trousers in front of Big Beth, the dispatcher. Waving his goodies at her, he promised to “take her to heaven.” When she declined, he got angry and busted up the joint with a gigantic wrench.
#29—"Back Pack Jack" (Bryan)—Formerly with White Cab, he currently drives for Jihad Taxi. Back Pack Jack used to be known as Cadillac Jack when he was with White Cab (because of his preferred ride.) He earned the nickname Back Pack Jack when a passenger left her backpack in his cab. Before he returned it, he rifled through it and claimed a camera. That is when Wale fired him and he joined the Jihad.
#31—yours truly—see above.
#36—Jeannetta—We used to call Jeannetta the Lizard Queen because she spent so much time at the airport (the Lizard Lounge.) Because of the ever-present drama there—drivers stealing other lizards’ airport stickers so they get kicked out of the airport, clipping, jumping line, lizards reporting each other to the airport police at any excuse, etc.—she abandoned the airport and hasn't been back since. Now, Jeannetta works days and in town exclusively. Since our schedules are diametrically opposite we are rarely on the road at the same time. Now and then, if our schedules overlap we have breakfast or lunch.
#43—Lance—a greasy little crackhead with a ponytail, Lance is another version of Angel: a night time bottom feeder. (Lance is currently fired... but like herpes he is bound to come back sooner or later.)
#44—"Speedy" Dave—former Grand Moff Driver-Manager of White Cab, Speedy is only a couple years older than me. Speedy has been a professional cab driver for almost a decade. What I tell folks I meet who know of Speedy is that what he lacks in actual teeth he makes up for in personality. (Unknown to many people Speedy's middle name is Rodney, although he heartily denies he is a black man.) Speedy is good people. Sadly, a succubus attached itself to Speedy some time back and he is fading fast... just a husk of a man, these days.
#51—James—a surly black man. No one seems to know much more about him that that.
#55—Jackie—Jackie has tattoos on his hands & arms, on his ears, up his neck and crawling across his bald head. He has blue eyes and a white goatee. It’s as obvious he’s an ex-con as it is that he’s also feeble-minded. Jeannetta has been helping him out during the day, giving him directions and tips. For my part, I just leave him alone. I don’t fuck with him. (Jackie no longer drives a cab.)
#59—Lee—formerly of Yellow Cab, Lee is soft-spoken and jovial with one of the most impressive cases of Dunlop Disorder I have ever seen. Kevin has bad blood with him over some clipping incident a few months back.
#65—Scooby—
#66—"Neon" Leon—Neon Leon used to be Driver #69 but was forced change it before Jihad Taxi would let him come back after passengers got him fired for sexual harassment. (He can't be Driver #77 either "because with seventy-seven you get ate more. Giggity! Giggity!") He drives something like twenty hours a day and doesn’t sleep. As a matter of fact, Leon doesn’t even have an apartment. When town is too slow to work he spends his time playing competitive Bingo. Other than that he will catch naps in the lobbies of hotels, at the base or in his cab. He also talks to hear the sound of his own voice: incessant jabbering that gets worse the longer he is awake. (Leon currently drives for White Cab.)
#68—Sandy—one of the Dutch Boys (see below.)
#69—Danny—ugly as an empty glass of buttermilk and never a happy word to say about anything, Danny is just a generally miserable son of a bitch, not to mention the living embodiment of greed.
#75—Big Mike—Standing a hefty 6’6, Big Mike is an ex-Marine driving a cab while reading constitutional law at the University of Kentucky. A gun-toting libertarian, Big Mike has future aspirations of running for local or state office.