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Archived Entries (September 2005)
9-28-05 Shoot
9-19-05 Flashy
9-12-05 The East High Street Yaks
9-11-05 Sugar is a Fish
9-08-05 Sweetheart
9-07-05 Wonderfully Satisfying
9-04-05 Applebee's
9-02-05 A Little Something
As today is National Ask-A-Stupid-Question Day, I will grace you with a real gem. But before we begin, let me remind you that there are no stupid questions, just stupid people…
One night last weekend, I got a phone call from Dallas a good hour and a half after cruising died. It was long enough after Cruise Time for Speedy Dave, Rick, and I to have already had our breakfast at Perkins and split for our individual homes. I answered with my usual: “This is Jay.”
“Hey, man. I got a question for you.”
“Shoot.”
“Can a restaurant refuse me service because I am armed?”
“Uh, dude, just because it is legal to carry it in public, doesn’t mean you can go to breakfast packin’.”
“It’s my constitutional right to bear arms, yo.”
“Yeah, but that is a private establishment that gets to make its own rules. You can’t take a gun into the court house, a hospital, or the airport either.”
“Yeah, well, don’t they have to have a sign posted or something? I mean, I am a regular there too. They know me there.”
“Obviously not too well,” I laughed.
“They do. I go in there almost every night.”
“Okay, then, do they have signs prohibiting nude dining? Can you go in there, peel down, and have a good old-fashioned Bare Ass Breakfast?”
Silence.
“It’s a courtesy that some places post those signs. And they usually only post them where there’s a need for them. I doubt gunplay is a major issue at Denny’s.”
“I’m at the Huddle House.”
“You can see their point, right? Usually when someone takes a gun into a Huddle House they are up to no good. Why are you packing heat anyway?”
“Do you realize how much money I got on me right now?”
“Probably nowhere
near as
much as I have on me and I’m not armed.” Common wisdom says that if a cab driver is going to get robbed, it’s going to be by the person in the back seat, which means they already have the drop on the cabbie. There is nothing much you can do about it. Introducing a gun into the situation only increases the chances of getting injured or killed.
I continued, “Man, you aren’t going to get robbed at the Huddle House or Denny’s or the Waffle House—well, maybe the Waffle House—but you get my point. You have seen Pulp Fiction too many times; go put your gun in the car and eat breakfast.”
“I can’t leave it in the car. What if it gets stolen?”
“Well, then go get a McMuffin at the drive-thru, man. Hell, why are you asking me this shit, anyway? I tell you what, go back into the Huddle House and when they try to take your gun away this time, fire a couple shots through the ceiling. See if they don’t listen to an important man like you then, aight?”
Sometimes I think he asks me these things just to fuck with me.
Most everyone concedes that Lexington has some of the worst damn traffic lights in the entire fucking solar system.
It's is one of the few drawbacks to living in this town. For most folks it's an inconvenience at worst, but for a cab driver who has to deal with them several hundred times a day it's a complete pain in the ass. I don't know how much time each day I spend rocking back and forth in the cab trying to trigger
the pressure switch, mentally plotting routes so that
I can use sideroad shortcuts around lights, looking for right-on-red
and one-way to one-way left-on-red opportunities, etc. I was a little skeptical at first because in fifteen-odd years of driving I have never heard of such a thing, but I gave it a shot. Whenever I was in the campus area (where all the major hospitals are) I strobed my brights two or three times every time I saw the light I was approaching was a red.
Granted, it could have just been one of those nights where I had good green light karma, but I have to say that I didn't hit a red light on Tates Creek from Limestone all the way down to Alumni (it didn't work on that sprawling, massively fucked up light.)
9-12-05 The East High Street Yaks
Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a
guy like Norman Einstein.
– Joe Theismann (former Redskin QB)
– Joe Theismann (former Redskin QB)
After several seasons of weighing the pros (I love the NFL) and cons (I obsess over the NFL) of getting involved in fantasy football, I finally broke down and joined a league (it was a mistake, I now can't stop listening to sports talk radio.) I have named my team the East High Street Yaks.
Since I am a newcomer to this thing, I let
the computer make
my selections during the draft. And, I have to say, I am quite pleased.
I am
very solid at QB. The Vikings’ Duante Culpepper, coming off a 38 TD
season in
2004, is my starter. (He is backed up by the Panthers’ Jake Delhomme
and the Bucs’
Brian Griese.) I have a stud RB in the Patriots’ Corey Dillon (who
should be
good for 1500 yards and 10 touchdowns this season.) Hopefully he stays
healthy
because there is quite a drop-off between him and my back-ups (the
Panthers’
DeShaun Foster and the Browns’ Rueben Droughns.) My receiving corps is solid if not very flashy. I have Jerry Porter, the Raiders’ #2 receiver who should flourish with most of the defensive attention being focused on Randy Moss this year; Lee Evans, the Bills’ deep threat; the Vikings’ Nate Burleson, who proved what a stud he is last year when Moss was injured and is ready to come into his own this year; Eddie Kennison, the Chiefs’ top receiver and third option behind TE Tony Gonzalez and the RB combo of Priest Holmes and Larry Johnson; Rod Smith, the solid but aging Bronco stalwart; and Deion Branch, a clutch Patriot receiver and last year’s Super Bowl MVP. Add into the mix Charger All-Pro TE Antonio Gates and I should be set up for the season.
My defense and special teams is the Ravens’ (which should be more than solid) and my kicker is Mike Vanderjagt of the Colts (which means I am sacrificing multiple-FG games for a complete shitload of extra points.)
Anyway, since the season officially kicked off yesterday, here are my annual pre-season NFL predictions. After seeing how some of yesterday’s games turned out, I am already ashamed of some of my predictions (the Vikings in the Super Bowl… what?)
AFC
New England – Having
won three of the last four
Super Bowls who am I to argue with the consensus logic that the Pats
will make
another strong run at the Super Bowl? Me, that’s who. The Patriots
legacy will
be one of teamwork, chemistry, and unselfishness but they have
seriously lost
some key pieces this offseason: both offensive and defensive
coordinators to
head coaching vacancies, stud CB Ty Law to the rival Jets, Pro-Bowl
linebacker
Teddy Bruschi to a freak off-season stroke. While I think they will
likely return
to the playoffs, I don’t think they can pull of a three-peat, winning 4
of the
last 5 Super Bowls. (Of course, if they do win it Boston fans will be more intolerable than ever. They’re bad enough after last year’s World Series… enough is enough, already!)
Buffalo – The Bills have all the
pieces in place
to be a quality team this year: a proven kick-ass defense (2nd in the
league
for the past two seasons); a stud running back with new mechanical
knees
(Willis McGahee); and a talented young receiving corps led by veteran
Eric
Moulds. The
only real question is at quarterback where the Bills plan to start
second-year
man JP Losman (he completed a total of three passes last season.) I don’t see why the Bills can’t be successful this year, though. The combination of a shut-down defense and a smash-mouth running game enabled the Steelers to pull off a 15-win season just last year with rookie QB Ben Roethlisberger. I don’t know how far they can get in the playoffs, but I have no doubt they will make the field.
(You know, I would have to chuckle if they made it to the Super Bowl… and lost, again!)
NY
Jets – (former UK Player on roster:
Dewayne Robertson, Defensive
Tackle) I like the Jets, always have, ever since that loudmouth
and
general asshat Mark Gastineau in the early 80s. And before that there
were
tales of Joe Namath’s crazy cockiness. Right now, they have another of
my
favorite players: Curtis Martin. Exactly three months younger than me,
Martin
is 4th on the all-time rushing list. He has put up 1000-yard seasons
for the past
11 years. If he does so in this his 12th year, it will put him just shy
of Barry Sanders
for third. He even stands
a legitimate shot at the recently-retired Emmitt Smith for the top
spot. Of
course, running backs tend to hit a wall in their early 30s. Emmitt
retired at
35, two years past when he should have. Sanders retired at 30 and Jim
Brown at 29,
Sweetness at 33, OJ at 32.
Tick-tock, Curtis. How much gas you got left in the tank?(Jets challenge for a playoff spot, but come up short because of another niggling injury to Chad Pennington? Sounds like a solid Jet plot line to me.)
Miami
– It looks
like Nick Saban is the real deal in Miami. He should do infinitely
better than
the last SEC coach to hit the pros: Steve
Spurrier. Regardless, since he is still cleaning house this
season should
be a miserable one for the Fish. Surpassing last season’s four measly
wins will
make for a successful season. Having Ricky Williams back to complement
1st
round RB Ronnie Williams will help, though.North
Baltimore – After
a relative down season last
year, Baltimore looks primed to make a serious run at the Super Bowl.
All the
tools in place: Jamal Lewis is out of jail and refocused for the coming
season,
the front office spent the off-season assembling a top-notch cadre of
receivers, and the usual kick-ass defense is as terrifying as ever. It
all
hinges on one thing: 3rd year QB Kyle Boller. After two seasons of OJT
he has
no excuse this year; it’s time. Will he live up to his first round
draft status
or will they feed him to Ray Lewis before his annual Pro-Bowl
appearance? I am
going to pencil them in as AFC North Champs. At worst they will grab
the final
wildcard spot. Jamal & Ray Lewis alone can get them that far.
Pittsburgh – The Steelers take a step
back after
last year’s (semi-)surprising run to the AFC Championship Game. At QB,
Big Ben
will go through the growing pains he didn’t start ‘til the playoffs
last year.
At WR, while Plaxico was a locker room cancer, his ability on the field
will be
missed in subtle little ways. Someone will have to step up and help
Hines Ward
and Randal-El if the Steelers want to keep defenses honest against the
Bus. The
Steelers will challenge the Ravens for the AFC North crown or land a
wildcard
berth. 
Cincinnati
– Their
explosive young offense from last year is now more seasoned and under
contract
for the next few years. Playing in what likely will be the toughest
division in
the tougher conference will make it exceptionally hard on the Bengals
to land a
playoff spot, but it wouldn't surprise me a bit if they do it. This is
a team
on the rise and they’d easily make the playoffs in the NFC. 
Cleveland
– Another
rebuilding year… sigh. At least it
will be more entertaining than last year’s lame-duck season. At least
the
players will try this year: they want a roster spot next year. The only
game I
am really looking forward to this season is November 20th when the
Dolphins
come to town. Two rebuilding teams pounding on one other is always
great fun.South
Indianapolis – (former
UK Player on roster: Vincent Burns, Defensive Tackle)
How does this sound: more passing
kudos for Manning & Co., another 12-4 overall record, another AFC
East
Crown, another bye in the first round of the playoffs, and another loss
to New
England just shy of the Super Bowl? Nah, I say this is the year Manning
gets
his shot at a ring. Will he get it or will he fold like Marino in 1983?
The bottom line is this: for Peyton Manning to be considered one of the Truly Great, he has to win a championship. I mean, he is on pace to shatter every career or season record set by Marino, Elway, and Favre. If he doesn’t win a championship, though, those accomplishments will be as hollow as Marino’s and Tarkenton’s.
Jacksonville
– A
solid defense, a clever coach (Jack Del Rio), a promising young stud QB
(Byron
Leftwich), and the Jags are still one bad tackle on Fred Taylor’s
bionic knee
from another blown season. With Taylor, this is a team that could make
a
serious run at the playoffs; however, in the cut-throat AFC, if his
knee (repaired
last January) blows out again they are seriously fucked. Season over.
For as
promising as this team is and as many times as they will threaten to
make the
playoffs this year, I think they are still a year or so away.
Houston
– Dom
Capers has got them this far. They hired him to nursemaid the expansion
team to
a solid start. He has done that. Last year’s 7-9 record was very
respectable
for a 3rd year team. There is real potential here. He needs to show he
knows
what to do with it now and put up a winning record. 
Tennessee
– While
I don’t think the Titans have enough weapons in place (after the last
few years
of cap casualties) to seriously compete for the playoffs this year, I
do think
they made a wise hire in bringing Norm Chow in from USC to fill the
void at
offensive coordinator. Give him a year or so while the Titans are in (shhhh… whisper now) rebuilding mode to
acclimate himself to the nuances of the pro game, and he will be right
where he
needs to be to make a serious shot at the Super Bowl in a couple years
when the
pieces are in place.West
San Diego – During an off-season of
careful
maneuvering, the Chargers enter this season in good shape to make
another
strong march to the playoffs. The only thing that makes me nervous
about the
Bolts is the multitude of questions that hang over the team: will Drew
Brees
have another stellar year like he did last year when the team had
already given
up on him? Will Antonio Gates’ hold-out poison team chemistry at all?
Will
Phillip Rivers stay comfy on the bench behind Brees or will he become
discontent? Either San Diego or Kansas City will make the playoffs, but
probably not both. (Buffalo will edge the other one out for the final
wildcard
spot.) 
Kansas City – As with
the Colts, each year we
ask if the Chiefs did enough on defense during the off-season to make
their
high-octane offense a legit Super Bowl contender. While they did make a
mild
splash in free agency and the draft, I don’t think this is KC’s year to
go all
the way. I do see them making a serious
run at a playoff spot, though. Either San Diego or Kansas City will
make the
playoffs, but probably not both. (Buffalo will edge the other one out
for the
final wildcard spot.) 
Oakland
– Al
Davis loves the long ball. With Norv Turner’s scheme, Kerry Collins’
big arm,
and now Randy Moss’ ‘fro and mouth to compliment young stud WR Jerry
Porter on
the wings, this team looks great on paper... well offensively, anyway.
With
their defense (and possibly team chemistry) working against them, the
Raiders
can only reasonably win 9 games. That won’t translate into a playoff
berth in
the powerhouse AFC, but I will go out on a limb and guess that they
stay
immensely popular amongst casual fans. 
Denver
– Okay,
the Broncos’ main off-season moves were (A) to bring in almost the
entire
defensive line from Cleveland’s 3-13 team last year, (B) draft NCAA
troublemaker RB Maurice Clarett in the third round, and (C) sign
septuagenarian
WR Jerry Rice to fossilize on the sidelines. All this and
Jake Plummer?!?! What’s worse? If Plummer goes down, Bronco
fans are looking at—now hang on!—Kliff Kingsbury and Bradlee Van Pelt
(who?)
backing him up. The Shanahan Era might be coming to an end folks. (Of
course, I
say that before every season.)Well, they cut Clarett when they realized he wasn’t going to work out and Rice did retire, collecting his Yellow Jacket on the way out the door. So, that means their major move this off-season was to bring in Cleveland’s entire defensive line (who were horrid against the run last year.) Tick-tock, Mike.
NFC
East
Philadelphia – (former
UK Player on roster: James Whalen, Tight End) You know, the
Eagle’s
storyline has been the most difficult to follow this off-season. All we
hear is
news about Terrell Owens’ hold-out, Terrell Owens’ return to camp,
Terrell
Owens doing push-ups in his driveway, Terrell Owens blasting his coach
and
teammates in the media… It saddens me because I have been a Terrell
Owens fan
for quite some time. He is a fantastic player that, other than some
harmless
showboating, does nothing to undermine his team. Until recently, that
is. The
media circus has got to be wrecking team chemistry. Here is the bottom line: without him, this is still a playoff team. With him on the team and happy, this is hands down your Super Bowl favorite. With him on the team and unhappy, who the fuck knows?
Dallas
– Cowboys
WR Keyshawn Johnson, more known for his mouth than his production on
the field
recently was quoted as saying, "This year you can finally see that he
has
the team he likes. He has a bunch of stud linebackers. He went out and
got a
big interior defensive lineman in Ferguson. Now he's got two
cornerbacks [Anthony
Henry and Terence Newman]. It does have the feel of a Bill Parcells
team."
The question that begs to be asked is: When did this jackass become
Parcells’
spokes-pimp? While Parcells might have his type of players, about half of them are aging retreads like the talkative Johnson and the newly-signed and still-decomposing QB Drew Bledsoe. As reliable a quarterback as Bledsoe was for ever so long, he is now about as mobile as a phone pole in the backfield. But, would you like to know why Bledsoe could possibly squeeze another couple productive years out of that arm? Look at the mammoth and skilled offensive line they further bolstered in the off-season: Flozell Adams, Larry Allen, Marco Rivera. Now that screams of a Bill Parcells team. It wouldn’t surprise me if the ‘Boys don’t flirt with a playoff spot this year. (Of course, to take the next step and really compete for the Super Bowl they will have to answer the Bledsoe question.)
Washington
– Year
Two of Hall of Fame Coach Joe Gibbs’ return to the ‘Skins, will it be
better
than Year One? Pundits and Taters around the nation seem to think it
won’t. I,
on the other hand, am going to give Gibbs the benefit of the doubt. He
wouldn’t
have won as many Super Bowls as he has or be in the Hall of Fame unless
he was
a quick study. I expect him to take the ‘Skins another step up the
ladder this
year. While they will probably only be a .500 team and won’t make the
playoffs,
I do see rookie Jason Campbell establishing himself as the #1 QB by the
end of
the season. 
NY
Giants – (former UK Player
on roster: Jared Lorenzen, Quarterback) Year Two of the Eli
Manning Era. After only starting seven
games last
year, Eli is the #1 man this year so we will get to see if he lives up
to his
family heritage. The defense (which wasn’t bad at all last year) should
be even
better this year which will help them win some games. Sadly, they are
still a
few playmakers short on offense to do much damage this year. I see a
6-10
season. North
Minnesota – (former
UK
Player on roster: Moe Williams, Running Back) Here is my
favorite to
represent the NFC in the Super Bowl. I think the Randy Moss trade was
brilliant.
He may have been a genius on the field (that is, when he didn’t leave
before
the end of the game) but he was an ass in the media, a nuisance on the
sidelines, and team-wrecker in the locker room. So they traded him to
the
Raiders for a stud linebacker and used the rest of Moss’ cap space to
more than
adequately shore up other defensive shortcomings. Write it down:
Minnesota’s
defense is going to rock and roll like it hasn’t since the Purple
People Eaters
of the ‘70s, Nate Burleson will prove himself as a stud #1 receiver,
and Duante
Culpepper will lead the Vikes to Detroit next January.
Green
Bay – Is
this the year the wheels come off, the year Favre becomes mortal again?
To be
completely frank, I hope not. I hate it when a Great’s star fades
toward the
end of his career. Sadly, since the Pack’s main off-season moves were
to
release half Favre’s vaunted offensive line and draft his possible
successor,
that might be just what happens. Look for his record of consecutive
starts to
come to an abrupt end this year. They might battle for the final
wildcard berth,
but will come up short to an NFC West team.
Detroit
– (former UK Player on roster: Artose
Pinner, Running Back) QB
Joey Harrington’s tenure as a starter is almost over in Detroit. With
Head
Coach Mariucci favorite Jeff Garcia waiting in the wings, Harrington
has a
finite number of snaps to produce before getting the hook. It doesn’t
get any
more clear-cut than this. And, if he does get jerked early in the
season, it
wouldn’t surprise me to see the Loins make a run at the final wildcard
spot (if
the fragile Garcia can stay healthy, that is.) There is a lot of young
talent here.I wrote the above almost two weeks ago. Yesterday Garcia broke his ankle and will miss six to eight weeks. With Harrington at the helm by default until Garcia returns, this will be another blown season for the Lions. I say they go 6-10, maybe 7-9. And, as close as they will get to the playoffs will be their local FOX affiliate.
Chicago
– (former UK Player on roster: Derek
Abney, Wide Receiver) If
they can ever prevent the other team’s defense from breaking QB Rex
Grossman we
could find out if my prediction of him being the next Gino Toretta
is right. He’s taken exactly how many
professional snaps in three years, now? 12? 15?South
Atlanta – (former
UK
player on roster: Otis Grigsby, Defensive End) In
their final cuts before the season begins the Falcons
jettisoned WR Peerless Price. Sometimes something happens that just
gives you a
certain feeling about a team. Atlanta’s front office finding The Price
is Wrong
just gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling about the team this year. They
already
have one of the top QBs in the league in Michael Vick, All-Pro TE Algie
Crumpler, and a shut down defense. Cutting an underperforming and
discontented
Price, accomplishes two things: (A) it improves the locker room
atmosphere, and
(B) gives a boost of confidence to their young (highly-drafted)
receiver
corps 
Carolina – (former
UK
Player on roster: Marlon McCree, Safety) With their receiving
corps and
running game finally healthy again, I expect the 2005 edition of the
Panthers
to more closely resemble their Super Bowl team of 2003 instead of last
year’s
team. This is a smash-mouth football team with a decisive smart head
coach in
John Fox and a shut down defense led by Julius Peppers. They aren’t
flashy;
they just get the job done. They should easily qualify for a wildcard
spot, if
they don’t take the NFC South crown outright.
Tampa
Bay – I say
this is the year Chris Simms takes the reigns as the Bucs’ QB of the
future. Playing
time might be hard to come by at first with the solid Brian Greise
starting;
however, if Griese has one of the off years he is prone to, Simms could
snatch
the job (a la Tom Brady from Drew Bledsoe before the Pats' first Super
Bowl
victory.)
New
Orleans – Let
me repeat what I said about the Ain’ts last year: “Again this year
there is
high expectations in bayou country… Deuce McCallister is ready for a
break-out
year... this is Aaron Brooks' year... new and improved defense... yada
yada
yada. Does anyone not living in a fucking swamp even buy into this shit
anymore?” And after Katrina blew
through and made the entire state a lagoon a successful season is even
more unlikely for the Ain’ts.(I will, however, be looking out for Adrian McPherson sightings.)
West
Seattle – I have to admit I was
impressed with
the off-season maneuvering of the Seahawk front office. Not only were
they able
to secure their All-Pro offensive tackle and starting QB Matt
Hasselbeck to
long-term agreements, they managed to keep their stud RB Shaun
Alexander for the
next year at franchise cost. That plus their solid draft, cutting a
trouble-maker to two, and some slick free agent signings, sure make it
look
like Seattle will be a juggernaut this year. The question, though, is:
Will
Head Coach Mike Sherman find a way to fuck it up? (I say they go 10-6
and make
an early exit from the playoffs.) 
St. Louis – What I read about the
Rams says they
are back to their championship swagger of a few years back when they
put up a
thousand points a season. Yeah, yeah, yeah… they might very well put up
impressive numbers again this year, but that doesn’t change the fact
that Mike
Martz is the Head Coach. He is undoubtedly one of the best offensive
coordinators in the league, but that’s what he should be instead of
Head Coach.
His crunch-time judgment is laughable and the Rams have absolutely no
defense.
This guy will find ways for the Rams to lose games. They might
challenge for
the final wildcard spot, but they won’t win a playoff game if they do
make it. 
Arizona
– I could
conceivably see the Cards going 8-8 or 9-7 in this Denny Green’s second
season…. Ack! Ack! Ack! Ah, God! My tongue is on
fire! Ack! Ack! AAAAAaaaaaaa…
San
Francisco – Rookie
coach, rookie quarterback… rebuilding, rebuilding… fun fun fun, ‘til
daddy
takes the T-bird away! (Of course, after T-bird there’s always Boone’s
Farm.) Super BowlAFC Title Game: Colts 27, Patriots 18
NFC Title Game: Vikings 27, Eagles 24
(Yes, the Vikings.
It seems I pick the Colts to win it every year and they wipe out on the
road in the playoffs. Maybe a little reverse psychology will work.
Because we all know the Vikings will never win a Super Bowl, right?
Were the Bills and Vikings ever to meet in a Super Bowl, I figure the
earth would probably perish in a fiery collision with an asteroid the
size of the moon at halftime.)
9-11-05 Sugar is a Fish
I told them that I was pretty sure that Boss would be more than willing to come down and spend a few weeks to take care of them, if they thought it would help any. They understandably didn't want that, though.
I ended up not working last night. I had a hell of a night Friday night, so instead of working I stayed home and played with Bossie. We ordered a supreme pizza from Pizza Hut and I fed him the green peppers from it while we watched football movies in preparation for the upcoming NFL season.
9-10-05 Sweetheart
I don’t know how I forgot to tell you this little story. It was one of those moments where as a cab driver I witness both the heights and depths of human accomplishment. It came up tonight over dinner at Ramsey’s with Jason. I forget what we were talking about that reminded me of it but here it is (minus the fried green tomatoes, of course.)
It was back in the spring before the Derby and my wreck. It was a Cruise Night—a Thursday, Friday, or Saturday—around
It was a 20-something
fellow, well-dressed and well-toasted,
with a bottle of wine in his hand. It wasn’t paper bag type wine,
either; I
found out later that he’d spent $35 or $40 dollars on it. He had his
wine and
he was cabbing it to his chick’s house, the chick he’d met that night. “3600 Man O’War Blvd? Are you sure?” I asked. “I don’t think there are residential addresses on Man O’War.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s it.” He showed me the piece of paper she had written it on.
“Aight, works for me. Do you know what road it’s off of?” Man O’War is a fantastically long road that circles half the city, running from Keeneland in the east to Interstate 75 in the west. He didn’t know where it was, so I suggested going down Nicholasville Road which intersects Man O’War close to the middle.
Nicholasville Road intersected with Man O’War somewhere in the late-twenty hundreds—2400, 2500, 2600… so we turned left and watched the numbers climb as we passed different roads: Victoria Way, Belleau Wood, Saron Drive. The intersection with Tates Creek was a few hundred too high. We circled back and turned into Tates Creek Center Drive, a few hundred too low. 3600 Man O’War Blvd was somewhere in Tates Creek Center, a shopping center featuring a Kroger’s, several fast food joints, an ice cream parlor, a karate dojo, and other assorted shits found in strip malls.
I put the cab in park in front of Taco Bell. The number wasn’t marked on the building, but it was the only place it could have been. “Dude, she sent you to Taco Bell.”
“No, we’ve just made a mistake. Here, let me call her. I have her number.” He dialed on his cell, looking on the same piece of paper. I waited. I listened.
“Sorry, wrong number.” He clicked the phone shut and peeled the foil off his bottle of wine. “That was Taco Bell.”
“Damn, dude.” I couldn’t help but to chuckle a little as I said it. He drank straight from the bottle.
“Take me home.” He was decidedly unamused. “Racket Club, please.”
You know, I’d marry that woman.
[Tangential at best: The Taco Bell on Richmond Road, I have found, has actual Mexicans working there. That needs to be written on the illuminated letter board out front: "Authentic Mexicans Work Here. Taco Meximelt $1.49." I am thinking that's got to make the food taste better, if only by default.]
Three years ago today…
9-07-05 Wonderfully Satisfying
“Cunnilingus and
psychotherapy
have brought us to this.”
—Tony Soprano
—Tony Soprano
I probably need a hobby.
It has taken over 65 hours of diligent research over the past month or so but I have done it. I have meticulously counted each and every death (via natural causes or otherwise) in the first five seasons of The Sopranos. (I did not count random beatings, pistol whippings, and assorted gunplay injuries as that would have just taken too fucking long.) So, without further ado, by my count there have been 58 deaths over The Sopranos run to date, which is roughly 9/10 a death per episode. Of those 58 deaths, 44 have been killings (for a seasonal average of 8 4/5 killings per.)
[Note: The fractions might seem out of place but actually they occurred quite naturally in my research. For example: Tony, Paulie Walnuts, and Sylvio kill Big Pussy and dump his body in the bay in Season Two. That is 1/3 of a kill for each. Paulie Walnuts and Chris team up to kill and rob an underpaid waiter at the beginning of Season Five for a 1/2 kill each. So, below when I present the totals for each character, I will try to explain any sketchy math.]
As in all things I have favorites.
Of these 44 killings, one stands out above all the rest for me. It’s
very
special, very dear to me. It happens in Episode 5:12. Chris’ girlfriend
Adrianna La Cerva, The
Succubus’
favorite
character, has been discovered snitching to the feds and has to go.
Tony
dispatches Sylvio Dante, my favorite character, to do the dirty work.
Out in
the woods, two shots in the back of the head. *pop*pop* Problem
solved. It
somehow gives me a twisted, but wonderfully satisfying sense of closure
on this
marriage. The full body count follows:- Sopranos
Body Count
- Confirmed Kills:
- Chris
Moltisanti
10
[one
by Brendan (1:2); one was Adriana’s dog (
-
1/2
kill (
- Tony Soprano
7
5/6 [1/2 kill (2:9) +
1/3 kill (
- Paulie
“Walnuts” Gualtieri 1
4 1/3
[1/2 kill (5:1) + 1/2 kill (
- Uncle Junior
Soprano
3
[all three by Mikey (1:3, 1:6,
- “Johnny Sack”
Sacramoni 3
[two by thugs (5:4); one by Phil
Leotardo (
- Tony Blundetto
(d.)
3
- Sylvio Dante
2 1/3
- Ralph Cifaretto
(d.)
2
[one
was a racehorse (4:9)]
- Old Man Bacala
(d.)
2
- “Big Pussy”
Bonpensiero (d.) 1 1/2
- Janice Soprano
1
- “Fat Vito”
Spatafore
1
- Matoosh 2
1
- Jackie
Aprile, Jr. (d.)
1
-
44 (plus
Paulie’s missing Russian)
- Etc.:
- Car Wreck
2
- Suicide
2
- Stroke
2
- Heart Attack
2 3
- Unknown
2 3
- Cancer
1
- Irredeemable Loss
1 3
- Drowning
1 3
- Roofing Accident 1
-
14
1 – Paulie may also be responsible for another killing, a Russian national missing (presumably dead from a shot to the head) somewhere in the Pine Barrens (
2 – Matoosh was the drug dealer that frequented the Crazy Horse.
3 – Five of these deaths were ones Uncle Junior used as excuses to get sprung from his house arrest for a few hours at a time in Episode 5:7. He was responsible for none of them.
9-04-05 Applebee's
A guy gets into my cab last night. "Take me to Applebee's, I'm hungry. I'd suck a dick for a chicken wing."
What do you say to that?
"Aight."
9-02-05 A Little Something
Usually Thursday nights are one of the best times of the week for cab drivers. Between my hotels (whose business always picks up toward a weekend), Cruise Time, and the occasional tide-me-over dispatch call I will usually make upwards of $200 on Thursdays. Not yesterday, though. My earnings yesterday took a serious hit when my cab got towed while I was eating dinner at Ramsey’s.
I had parked it in another
business’ little parking lot to
the west of the restaurant. The sign posted on the wall there
proclaimed that
Ramsey’s customers could park there after 
Who answered the door? None
other than Chris Martha, one of
my former managers at Jihad Taxi. I didn’t even ask when I first saw him; I
already knew. The first words out of my mouth was, “You son of a
bitch.” “Well, it was parked in front of the door. We couldn’t get out. You need to park in a space.”
“These spaces here?” I pointed back and forth across the lot. “The ones with invisible painted fucking lines? These spaces?”
“You were blocking the door.”
Anger flashed over me. “Bullshit! You could get out both the front door and cars could get out of the garage.” I came within an inch of popping the sorry motherfucker in the mouth so I could hear his bling jingle. Instead, I stormed off and called base to let them know of Jihad Taxi’s assholery. Just as they picked up, we saw the tow truck rounding the corner with my car. Speedy Dave and Jeannetta helped me flag it down. I paid the tow fee and got my car back right there on Woodland, spitting bile all the while.
I wasn’t off the road for more than ten minutes, but my chi was smashed all to hell. I have said many times that Cruising is an art, it’s about developing a rhythm, getting into a groove. It’s beautiful when it happens, but you can’t force it to happen. You have to relax and let it come to you. Relaxing was completely out of the question for me.
I was
pumped with
adrenaline for the next two hours. I drove
like a maniac on my next couple calls and abused other drivers with my
horn and
middle finger. I raged and ranted on the phone to half a dozen
different folks.
During a lull in business Speedy watched me stomp around Mack’s Lane
cursing
and waving my arms while hatching elaborate revenge schemes involving
infiltrating the back parking lot of Jihad Taxi with a hammer, my
butterfly knife, and a few containers of valve-grinding solution. At
one point
I even called Mom and asked,
hypothetically, if she would bail me out if
something happened where I got myself thrown in jail. (Naturally, her
response
was the same as it’s always been: “No. If you get yourself put in jail,
you get
yourself out.” Some things never change.) I went ahead and cruised last night, but never could get into a groove. I marked out pretty regularly all night, but it seemed that it was one pain-in-the-ass call after another: credit card calls, time-consuming multiple-stop calls, calls where I got paid in pocket change, dumpy blondes who’d been kicked to the curb by their boyfriends at the club and cried all the way home, etc. Overall, I only made like $60 total for the night.
Never before have I been so glad to get home, smoke a joint, and go to bed. It was just a rotten day all around.
When I woke this afternoon I felt much better. A shower made me feel even better. While still irritated, no fiery anger remained. I could think much more clearly and rationally about the situation. The first thing I did was call everyone I could remember who I called the night before and threatened to blow up Jihad Taxi (or other such ludicrous fancies.) I wanted them all to know that I was really angry last night and made some threats that were stupid at best. I wanted them to know that while I am still pissed about what happened there isn’t much retribution I can really exact that’s worth endangering my job or freedom for.
I finished the last call just as I got to my cab outside. I unlocked the door and popped the trunk. I dropped the ball peen onto the pile of loose tools next to the spare. I lit a cigarette. There isn’t much I can do, but there might be a little something.
Two years ago today…