rubbermice.com






FAQ
Archives
Cast of Characters
Definitions
Contact
Home







Archived Entries (September 2004)
George Plimpton



9-29-04      ...Bluebirds Fly
9-26-04      Hair of the Dog
9-25-04      Sunday Bloody Sunday
9-23-04      It's Okay
9-18-04      Summer Stars & Lullabyes
9-17-04      Foamy
9-14-04      Merkwurdichliebe
9-09-04      Foam Finger Dreams
9-08-04      ...and Twins!
9-04-04      Whitman's Sampler
TOP
9-29-04            …Bluebirds Fly

Puppy,
 
Now that I sit down to write this thing I find myself at a loss for words. (Ironic, huh?)
 
You said yesterday that I keep sending you mixed signals. Well, I didn’t mean to. When I said I would be alright, that everything would turn out fine if you chose her over me—by no means—meant that I want you to choose her.  What I meant when I said that is exactly what I said: if you choose her instead of me I will be alright, things will turn out fine. There is no deeper meaning, no hidden agenda.
 
What do I want? That is easy. I want you. I love you and love being married to you. You make me happy like no one else ever has. I miss spending time with you—even if we do nothing but nap on the couch and watch TV. I miss talking with you—about anything, everything, nothing. I miss you being curled in bed on Sunday mornings when I come in from work with breakfast sandwiches. I miss your mere presence here in the apartment. This place isn’t a home without you; it’s just a dark, lonely, cold apartment where Bossie and I stay. When you are here you are its warm little heart, it becomes a home.
 
What don’t I want? Very simple… I don’t want to take my wedding ring off. I don’t want anyone else and I don’t want to share you with anyone else.    
 
Contrary to what you might think—you make me very happy. Sweetheart, you hang the moon for me. I know I am a hard person to live with at times and sometimes don't act like it, but that is the way I feel.

That is what I want for me.
 
But, you know what I want more than anything else, more than anything I have mentioned so far? I want you to be happy. And, if you think she will make you happier than I will, I will take my cardboard box of memories and be happy with it. The best thing you can possibly do for me is to do the best thing for you, whatever you decide that is.
 
And, that’s about as clear as I can make it.
 
I nub dew,
J
TOP
9-26-04            Hair of the Dog

Tonight, Bossie and I ordered a supreme pizza from Pizza Hut and watched Hu$tle, the new ESPN movie about Pete Rose. I sat, as is my tendency, in the floor at the coffee table, Bossie on the couch behind me. Sometimes he would gargoyle himself over my shoulder to give me kisses, get his ears scratched, and eat the green peppers I pick off the pizza for him.

I think I am going to rub the fur off this poor dog.
TOP
9-25-04            Sunday Bloody Sunday
 
Last week—if I recall correctly—I said something to the effect that there would be no fucking around with that week’s pick because of my close call in Week One. Perhaps I should have fucked around some because my Sure Thing, the Chiefs over the Panthers in Arrowhead (KC), was a complete shit sandwich. The backup to RB Steven Davis ran for 174 fucking yards and the Panthers pasted the Chiefs 28-17. I wiped out of the main competition in the second goddamned week! Gah!
 
Well, at least I have a shot at the second chance pool of the contest. One more strike and I am out, though. No third strike, I can’t miss again. Probably the best course of action is to take the surest thing on the board each week from here on out. (Had I done that last week, I would have taken the Super Bowl Champion Patriots over the perennially inept Cardinals and still been in the main competition. Gah!) Which means…
 
…this week’s pick is the Minnesota Vikings over the visiting Chicago Bears. A playoff favorite in the NFC this year, the Vikings have a high-octane offense led by the one-two punch of Duante Culpepper and Randy Moss and their defense is improved ten-fold from last season. Coming off a heartbreaking loss to another NFC favorite, the Philadelphia Eagles, the Vikings ought to be itching to get a hold of first-year Head Coach Lovie Smith’s patchwork team. Not only is the Bears’ defense already decimated with injuries, but on the other side of the ball they are breaking in their Quarterback of the Future, Rex Grossman. This one is money in the bank.
 
One year ago today…
 
TOP
9-23-04            It's Okay
 
A chat conversation with Tami this afternoon around five o'clock when she was just waking up for work:
 
rubbermouse9: good morning
gofish711: howdy
rubbermouse9: did you visit that site?
gofish711: the giant microbe site. oh yeah.
rubbermouse9: i love it
rubbermouse9: the Black Death is adorable
gofish711: and all very inexpensive
rubbermouse9: if i thought [an acquaintance of ours] would have a sense of humor about it, i would get [that same person] an hiv-plushie
gofish711: yep.
rubbermouse9: i need the flu plushie
rubbermouse9: and everyone needs VD plushies
gofish711: i want a bed bug. 
rubbermouse9: todd thinks the common cold is cute
gofish711: of course he does
gofish711: btw. i hate cars.
rubbermouse9: dented cars?
rubbermouse9: or cars in general?
 
[Note: Last week, Heather was rear-ended in Tami’s car when the car in front of her braked suddenly. The car that rammed into her pushed her into the car in front of her. The damage is relatively minimal, but what makes it so frustrating is that Tami only bought the car a couple months ago.]
 
gofish711: heather's window rolled down and won't go back up. it's gonna cost $350 to fix it.
rubbermouse9: it happens, tamster
gofish711: indeed it does
rubbermouse9: remember when i rear-ended that car?
 
[Note: During my freshman year at Morehead, I rear-ended a Camaro when they too braked suddenly. Luckily, his car was fine. Mine got a nice black eye which it still carries: a smashed left headlight.]
 
rubbermouse9: for months afterwards i had a series of little WTFs
rubbermouse9: the transmission fell out of it
rubbermouse9: twice
rubbermouse9: lol
rubbermouse9: now doesn’t that make you feel better?
gofish711: yeah
gofish711: i'm trying to contact the guy who hit heather, to get the phone number to his insurance
rubbermouse9: go hit her, it’s okay
rubbermouse9: anywho... remember our conversation about that women-only poker tournament?
gofish711: yeah. i do.
rubbermouse9: i just finished watching the tournament of champions from that
rubbermouse9: the winner of this select tournament was.... annie duke
rubbermouse9: the only woman invited to sit

(Pause)

rubbermouse9: that’s it, that’s the whole story
gofish711: sweet
rubbermouse9: i’m thinking of shaving off my moustache hoo-has
gofish711: how come?
rubbermouse9: spite...
rubbermouse9: change of pace...
rubbermouse9: i don’t know
gofish711: i gotcha
gofish711: would you be offended if i dress as you for halloween?
rubbermouse9: go hit heather, it’s ok
rubbermouse9: lol
gofish711: lol
rubbermouse9: why are you going to dress as me?
gofish711: i bought this viking mask that bears a striking resemblance to you. plus, it fits my giant melon head.
rubbermouse9: lunatic
gofish711: lol
rubbermouse9: i think i am going to skip the storytelling festival this year
 
[Note: The Cave Run Storytelling Festival that Mary and I have gone to together for the past four years. I was going to go anyway and Jenn Gray was kind enough to offer to go with me, but it’s probably not a good idea. Likely, it would end up being an exercise in melancholy and bitterness for me.]
 
gofish711: why?
rubbermouse9: i am going to order a pizza and watch the pete rose movie on ESPN, in lieu
rubbermouse9: why? multiple reasons
gofish711: i imagine
gofish711: how are you doing?
rubbermouse9: i sometimes wonder what would be written about me in the blue book if i were under observation there
 
[Note: The blue book is what we write our observations of the members of the ‘herd in at work.]
 
rubbermouse9: i’m doing alright
gofish711: did you get in touch with jason today?
rubbermouse9: i talked to him on the phone a little while ago
rubbermouse9: we may do something tonight
gofish711: cool
rubbermouse9: remember Bert, a former client
 
[Note: Bert, like his Muppet namesake, only had one eyebrow that stretched from ear to ear. Unlike his Muppet namesake, our Bert is a hardcore alcoholic.]
 
gofish711: the one who had a seizure early on in treatment, right?
rubbermouse9: graduated maybe a month ago.... yeah, that’s him
rubbermouse9: he called me and todd sunday night
gofish711: had he relapsed?
rubbermouse9: yeah
rubbermouse9: we picked him up on georgetown road and took him to UKER
 
[Note: Before we can admit a ‘head to detox, the ‘head must be cleared by a hospital. Being a non-medical facility, we have no way of preventing someone from dying if their withdrawal is too severe. We always send them to the University of Kentucky’s Emergency Room (UKER) to get cleared.]
 
gofish711: but he didn't show up at [our place of business], right?
rubbermouse9: no, he never showed back up
rubbermouse9: that sucks too... he continually earned our Most Favored Client award, too
gofish711: that tends to happen.  well-behaved and pleasant doesn't seem to keep folks from relapsing.
rubbermouse9: dora thinks todd and I get way too involved... maybe she is right
 
[Note: Dora is a rough-looking old girl who works nightshift on the other end of the week. One of the worst blonde dye jobs in recent Central Kentucky memory, Dora—I have heard it commented—looks like she could “break a beer bottle and shank a bitch.”]
 
gofish711: you have to find a balance
rubbermouse9: i think i do find a balance, but maybe i’m too soft-hearted
gofish711: in my professional opinion, i think picking him up and taking him to the ER was a bit too involved, and oversteps the boundaries of our position.
rubbermouse9: i know... he actually came and saw us earlier that evening
rubbermouse9: we tried to get him to let us detox him (via UK) then
rubbermouse9: but he left
gofish711: why did y'all go pick him up after that?
rubbermouse9: he called back and had changed his mind
rubbermouse9: and could we come get him if he started walking toward us
rubbermouse9: i found him only a little past Rally’s
 
[Note: About a mile from the facility as the crackhead flies…]
 
gofish711: hmmm
rubbermouse9: i know it was a little much, but it wasn’t much too much
gofish711: too much by what standard?
rubbermouse9: by my standards
gofish711: hmmm
rubbermouse9: granted, i have questionable standards
rubbermouse9: lol
gofish711: lol
rubbermouse9: i don’t trust my own judgment [in my own life], but yet i have the keys at work
rubbermouse9: lol
rubbermouse9: and i get to work 56 hours next week..... Yaaaah!
 
[Note: It’s hard to trust myself with as much stress and emotional turmoil as has been going on. Whenever strong emotions like these—anger, bitterness, sadness, hurt—have raged inside me before, my judgment and decision making skills have went right into the shitter. For example, the last time one of my relationships unraveled I went on a sixteen-month bender (underway periods permitting) which earned me a couple psych-evals and landed me in rehab, myself. These days, I try to keep things at enough distance—using AA skills and techniques—to give me time to deal with them. For decisions that need to be made now, I ask myself what Tami would do in my place. Then I ask myself what Mom would do. As diametric opposites as Mom and Tami are on the surface, their ethical standards seem to be quite concentric.]
 
gofish711: one of my biggest concerns is that so many of our clients get differential treatment as it is. going out of the way to help those we happen to like is problematic to me.
rubbermouse9: yeah yeah yeah
rubbermouse9: i know i know
 
[Note: Tami has a distinct point, but I don’t think I would have done any different for almost any of our other clients in the same situation. I mean, this guy was a complete mess. He did well for a month or so, but when his wife served him with yet another batch of paperwork dealing with their divorce and the kids, he fell off the wagon and had been boozing for the past five days. He had already spent one night in jail and had gotten in several fights—one of which he apparently employed a baseball bat. His mother had kicked him out of her house again. When he showed up the first time that evening, he hugged both me and Todd. And, it wasn’t a small hug either; it was like he was hanging onto a life buoy. He was glad that Todd and I were working because we were the ones he remembered “that actually seemed to care about me.”  Like I told our boss the next morning, I understand why our policy is like it is (legal reasons and such) and I don't plan on making a habit out of things like this, but in this situation I felt justified. He understood; he told me he had even picked folks up and brought them to the facility himself.]
 
gofish711: hey, i have to go talk to heather before she leaves for class.....i'll be back on here in half an hour or so.
rubbermouse9: smack her, it’s okay
rubbermouse9: smack her, Hetero-Tami
rubbermouse9: i’m the little voice on your shoulder
 
Two years ago today…
 
TOP
9-18-04            Summer Stars & Lullabyes
 
Working nightshift, the only “therapeutic” activity I get to do with the ‘herd is Goals Group directly after breakfast. Every morning before Goals Group, each of the ‘heads is supposed to fill out a daily goals worksheet wherein they set emotional, physical, spiritual, and treatment goals for the day and list its relevance to recovery. Then at group we will read aloud and discuss one (or more) of their goals. The way I usually run it is to choose one ‘head, have them pick a goal, and then have everyone do the same one.
 
This morning I did something a little different. I told them that I found it important to my own recovery to find ways to prevent myself from focusing on and brooding over negative things. I have to find ways to put things into perspective, so they are manageable instead of overwhelming. So, I asked them to tell me about something bad in their life—a bad situation, a bad person, something bad that happened to them recently, it didn’t have to be anything big or personal, anything—and then tell me what the silver lining is, because there is a silver lining to everything. It might not be anything magnificent, but it’s something, something we can salvage.
 
Naturally, since this was Something New no one wanted to go first. So, I went first. I told them that when I got off work this morning my wife wasn’t going to be there when I got home. We separated last night while I was at work. I told them that odds were that we would end up getting a divorce. My silver lining? I get to keep the dog.
 
And, you know what? He was ecstatic to see me when I got here. I got many kisses. Of course, he did have to go pee really bad. Regardless, though, it still doesn’t change the fact that he always liked me better, anyway.
 
One year ago today…
 
TOP
9-17-04            Foamy
 
Fourteen of the fifty people in my group in that NFL contest wiped out on the first week. If I were competing solely against this group instead of every contestant who entered (hundreds of thousands? millions?), I might stand a shot at winning the prize, which—as it turns out—is not a foam finger but a trip to some interactive racing thing. I’d rather have a foam finger… or, better yet, a foam finger and a Browns t-shirt. Maybe, I will ask for a swap if I win.
 
Anyway, I survived the first week, but only barely. The Falcons scraped past the hapless Niners by a scant two points and only saved that lead with a freakish interception in the endzone in the final seconds.  I felt pretty confident picking the Falcons last week, but nearly had a heart attack during the game. Okay, I learned my lesson: The first few weeks of the season is no time to be fucking around with iffy picks. Jesus! The Falcons!? The Falcons, until last week, hadn’t beaten the 49ers in San Francisco since like the Carter Administration. What the fuck was I thinking?
 
This week there’ll be no fucking around. I’m taking the Chiefs over the Panthers in Arrowhead (KC). True, the Panthers went to the Super Bowl last year, but last year they had Steven Davis—who ran the ball seven thousand times a game on offense—and a pretty good defense. They over-achieved; they’ll tell you themselves that they were surprised to have gotten as far as they did. This year, though, Steven Davis is broken and something—I don’t know what yet, it’s too early to tell—is missing on defense. Last week, Ahman Green (Packers) put up almost 200 yards on them. This week, they get Priest Holmes and one of the most explosive offenses of the past two years. This ought to be a good, old-fashioned, down-home, ass whippin’.
 
One year ago today…
 
TOP
9-14-04            Merkwurdichliebe
 
“Based on the findings of the report, my conclusion was that this idea was not a practical deterrent for reasons which at this moment must be all too obvious.”

—Dr. Strangelove (Peter Sellers in Dr. Strangelove)

With all the goings-on and crazy stress of the past week, Bossie has been one of the few bright spots. I have taken solace in spending time with him.
 
Sunday he watched football with me all afternoon, chewing his squeaky toy on the couch behind me as I sat in the floor at the coffee table. Every once in a while he would stand up on my shoulders and slap me in the side of the head with it, meaning he wanted to play tug-o-war and then fetch. (Of course, my ponytail is now long enough to let me slap him back if I turn my head quickly enough. I try to refrain from doing it too often, lest he start thinking it’s to be played with too.)
 
Tonight, after we’d taken our evening walk around the block to investigate bushes, bark at bicyclists, and piss on abandoned couches, I shut the front gates and let him run in the front yard for a while. He will greet whoever is in the yard, wallow in the grass and snuffle around tracking past creatures. As he pulled himself through the yard on his elbows like a wounded soldier, a baby squirrel crawled under the chain link fence where I stood smoking.
 
Bossie was on him in a flash. I thought I would let Bossie chase the squirrel for a bit since we were in the front yard, never thinking that he would ever catch him. Growling and snarling, Bossie charged over the squirrel like a linebacker as the it tried to change direction. It regained its feet quickly and darted off before Bossie could circle back. Heading right at my legs, the squirrel had to change directions again and Bossie was back on him, looking pretty damn serious about fucking it up.
 
After a frantic 30 second dash and dance I managed to clothesline Bossie by stepping on the leash that trailed after him. The baby squirrel sprinted across the yard and disappeared between the buildings.
 
I suppose he earned his collar today.

One year ago today...
TOP
9-09-04         Foam Finger Dreams

I entered an online contest via ESPN.com today in which I predict the winner of one NFL game a week. If I predict correctly, I move on to compete the next week. If my prediction for any week is wrong I am eliminated. (There is actually a second-chance pool, so I have two shots at winning a prize—probably a hat or a foam finger or some shit.) The only catch is that I am not allowed to choose any team twice throughout the season. That makes things a bit tricky. Given that historically I can only predict about 70% of each week's games correctly, this ought to be a challenge.

Week One Prediction: The games of the first few weeks of the season are always the hardest to call, because no one really knows how the teams will perform. Last year, all the preseason hype was on the Bucs to repeat as Super Bowl Champs. No one could have foretold that the team would only play .500 ball for the season—winning one, losing one, winning one, losing two... I guess logic should stipulate that—at least for the first few weeks—I should pick the safest teams possible. But, I am not going to do that. I don't want to waste all my Sure Things too soon. I want to last deep into the contest. I have always wanted my own foam finger.

I am going to gamble right away by taking the Falcons over the 49ers in San Fran. The truth of the matter is no one knows how quickly Michael Vick will be able to pick up the West Coast offense. He is still a raw, young QB fueled more by athletic ability than skill. He is going to have some growing pains which will translate into some losses the Falcons "should" have won. In Week One, though, they are playing the team I have predicted to be the worst in the NFL this year. I might not get a better chance to feel half-way safe about picking the Falcons to win. Of course, if I am wrong you won't have to put up with mindless weekly football drivel from me (well, not as much anyway.)
TOP
9-08-04            ...and Twins!
 
Ah, football season is upon us again. Ahhhhhh... football. I must now take time to rub the nipples and reflect on dislocated elbows, idiomatic endzone dances, and the several hundred (new-ish) "..and Twins!" beer commercials sure to fill the days until I turn 32.

Anyway, I figure if I don't go ahead and do this, I won't get it done before Thursday's NFL opener between the Patriots and Colts (which will be won by the Patriots, but be avenged in the playoffs.) My predictions come in order of anticipated finish with the playoff teams in bold:
AFC
East
New England Patriots—They won the Super Bowl last year (not to mention two of the last three) and are bringing back the same team this season. Oh-oh-oh-oh! I forgot… they also have an actual running back this year too (Corey Dillon.) Unless the Colts made up enough ground in the off-season, the Pats should be everyone’s odds-on Super Bowl favorite from the AFC.
 
New York Jets—With QB Chad Pennington healthy again on offense and a year’s seasoning & some fresh blood on the defense, things look ripe for Head Coach Herman Edwards to work his overachiever magic. They might start slow, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this team somehow sneaks into a Wild Card playoff berth.
 

Buffalo Bills—Who the fuck knows how the Bills will perform this or any other season? They are neck and neck with the Vikings for the most frustrating team of all time. Last year I thought… well, nevermind, what I thought. Suffice it to say one thing is virtually guaranteed about the Bills: if they are the best team in the league, they will choke in the Super Bowl. Since they are nowhere near being the best team in football this year, I will say they might flirt with a playoff spot, but will choke down the homestretch.
 
Miami Dolphins—Ricky Williams retires from the NFL with a chronic chronic problem, David Boston blows out his knee before he ever plays a game for the Fins, underachieving Head Coach Dave Wannastedt is still drawing a paycheck… still no joy in Marino-ville.
North
Baltimore Ravens—With a virtually indomitable defense led by Ray Lewis, the Ravens could make a serious stab at the Super Bowl. The question one ‘tater asked on ESPN was: can they do it with an unproven QB, though? What kind of fucking question is that? Didn’t they do that very thing a couple years ago with Trent Dilfer—never exactly the poster boy for stability at QB? The more pressing question, however, is: will stud RB Jamal Lewis (2000+ yards last season) be convicted of federal drug charges and go to jail this fall? Now that is cause for concern.

[Note: Just for the record, Deion "Prime Time" Sanders most recent comeback (this time with the Ravens) will be a complete bust. We will find that at 37 years old Deion will have lost that blazing speed that made him the best cover corner in the game and his unwillingness to tackle anyone under any circumstances just won't go over with Ray Lewis.]
 
Cleveland Browns—With what looks to be a somewhat better but still patched together offensive line, new QB Jeff Garcia might have enough protection to be able to stay healthy the entire season. The Browns’ stellar (if unheralded) platoon of receivers—now featuring rookie TE Kellen Winslow, Jr.—should give Garcia something he hasn’t had the last few years with the 49ers: more than one option to pass to. And, we have two young, hungry running backs (Suggs & Green) battling for starter time. Color me an optimist, but we’re going back to the playoffs this year. *Rolls eyes*
 
Cincinnati Bengals—Coming off a pleasantly surprising season last year, Cincinnati saw the Bengals come within a game of making the playoffs. Marvin Lewis’ bunch is primed for another shot at the playoffs this year, but I suspect second-year QB Carson Palmer’s growing pains will prevent them from getting it. Watch out for them to be serious contenders for the Super Bowl next year, though.
 
Pittsburgh Steelers—This looks to be a marvelous season for the Steelers… if you are a Browns fan. The offense will be in the hands of either a rookie or hack/retread QB all year and with Jerome “The Bus” Bettis only running on three wheels these days, this is not a team that will break .500—even with Duce Staley being imported from the Eagles.
 

South
Indianapolis Colts—With both RB Edgerin James and WR Marvin Harrison up for free agency in the offseason, this year might be the final Super Bowl shot for Indy's Big Three. If they don't make it, Peyton Manning might be a legitimate candidate to become this generation's Dan Marino or Fran Tarkenton: great QBs who, as it turns out, aren't so great after all because they couldn't win the big one. But, I am not going to think that way. On the contrary, I am going to pick the Colts to go all the way. (Besides, with the new rules emphasis on not roughing up receivers, the Colts should flourish like no other team.)

Tennessee Titans—Another off-season of frantic damage control. Will it translate into a successful season? Traditional wisdom says no, but—hey—this is the Titans we are talking about. They routinely overachieve like the Vikings and Bills underachieve. Steve McNair is rapidly becoming as reliable as the Man in Green Bay. And, their front office moves from off-seasons past—while criticized at the time—have been nothing short of genius. I'll even go so far as to say that their dumping of Eddie George before this season will prove to be one of the top two moves of the off-season (Philly's pick up of Terrell Owens will easily be #1.)

Houston Texans—Their third year in the league. While they will be better than last year, I still don’t see them as serious playoff contenders, yet. Their young, talented core could pull off a couple key upsets down the road, though. November 28th game vs. Tennessee or December 5th against the Jets are prime candidates.
 

Jacksonville Jaguars—who?
 




West
Kansas City Chiefs—I ask of the Chiefs what I usually do of the Colts: has the defense been tweaked enough to get them to the Super Bowl? After the lopsided playoff upset at the hands of those self same Colts—at Arrowhead Stadium, no less—the Chiefs ought to have the motivation to improve, if nothing else. The question is: can new defensive coordinator (and former Chiefs Head Coach) Gunther Cunningham do enough with virtually the exact same roster the Chiefs had last year? It would make a good story if they can pull it off, but I don't see it happening.
 
Oakland Raiders—One never knows if Al Davis' eccentric off-season moves will be hugely successful or complete disasters? This year he has a new coach (Norv Turner), a new defensive line (Ted Washington and Warren Sapp), possibly a new starting QB (Kerry Kittles), and a stunned roster after the release of future Hall-of-Fame WR Tim Brown. Mix in the usual assortment of reprobates, felons, degenerates, and general riff-raff and this should make for quite an interesting season even if they don’t make the playoffs (which I don’t think they will.)
 
Denver Broncos—Last year I gave Jake "the Snake" Plummer the benefit of the doubt, thinking he could resurrect his career in Denver as the first decent replacement—if nowhere near the second-coming—of Elway. This year, though, he isn’t going to have (arguably) the league’s best RB Clinton Portis in the backfield to help him do it. Oh, yeah, and because they will miss the playoffs again I will again say that Head Coach Mike Shanahan will lose his job after the season.  
 
San Diego Chargers—This team is karmically fucked. Last year when expectations were so high, WR David Boston flaked out before the season was three weeks old, Drew Brees proved why he isn’t the QB of the Future, and the team finished dead last in its conference. This year, they start training camp with a contract dispute with their #1 overall draft selection QB Philip Rivers—their next QB of the Future. After another disastrous season Dear Old Marty Shottenheimer (illustrious former Head Coach of my Browns) will be fired… which might prime the pump for his return to the Browns if we have the kind of season most of the ‘taters expect.
 
NFC
East
Philadelphia Eagles—Finally McNabb has a legitimate target to throw the ball to (Terrell Owens) which should prove to be the best move of the off-season. If McNabb is the quarterback we think he is he should really shine. The defense will be solid as always, especially so now that Jevon “The Freak” Kearse was brought in from Tennessee during the off-season. If the team can stay healthy (a perennial Eagle malady) they are my Super Bowl favorites from the NFC.
 
Washington Redskins—Hall of Fame Head Coach Joe Gibbs replaced Steve Spurrier (booted a whole season earlier than I predicted) at the helm; Clinton Portis—arguably the best running back in the game—was acquired via a trade with the Broncos; and Mark Brunell was acquired from the Jags to be a mentor to the Skins’ (current) Quarterback of the Future Patrick Ramsey… this looks like a playoff team to me, even if they aren’t serious challengers for the Super Bowl.
 
Dallas Cowboys—Who knows with Parcells? Probably the best Head Coach in the league, he could likely take my high school team to the Super Bowl. This team certainly looks better than my high school team, but not by much. Sixty-eight year-old QB Vinnie Testeverde (a Parcells' favorite) was imported in the offseason, as was ex-Titan RB Eddie George. (If they wanted an aging, Used-to-be-Truly-Great running back, why didn't they hang on to Emmitt last season?) But, they are coached by Parcells, so I expect for them to challenge for that final playoff spot anyway. Will they make it? Probably not, but wouldn’t it be nice to see Vinnie Testeverde keep climbing the records chart and get another shot at the gold ring?
 
New York Giants—The Giants have (1) a new coach with a new system, (2) a budding Quarterback Controversy (Peyton Manning’s kid brother Eli vs. retread Ex-Super-Bowl-MVP Kurt Warner), and (3) a lot of mouth (TE Jeremy Shockey.) Smells like most New York products: a lot of hype and no substance. Prediction: no playoffs, Warner will be benched in favor of Eli before the 5th week of the season, and Shockey will be injured off-and-on for most of the season but still find ways to stay in the spotlight.
 
North